Sometimes in the midst of deep depression, you may experience suicidal thoughts and ideation and it is not pleasant. You don't want to feel that way but the suicidal thoughts tell you that ending it all is the only way out, and they are so persistent that this is all that you can believe because depression takes away the motivation to even let yourself think about positivity. I'll never find an accurate way of describing every little bit of depression, but it is a little bit like trying to build a house when you're given a different set of tools everyday. Sometimes, the tools that you need just won't be there. This means that some days, you just can't do anything, you just have to watch the minutes pass by. You have no energy to do anything else so you are just watching, waiting. Half of the time you don't know what you are waiting for. Whilst building a house seems like a simple task, just building a wall of bricks and putting a roof on top, actually there is a lot more to it than that. There are the windows, the door, the wires, the inside walls, more doors, the beams that support it, pipes, the floors, the ceilings. Often we only look at the outer shell, and what we forget is that there is a lot more going on inside. But sometimes the tools aren't there to do the job you need to do, and you can't put the windows in when there isn't a wall so you just have to wait for the day to come where you get the right tools to finish each job. The time between losing the tool and then gaining it again can vary, sometimes it could just be a day, even a few hours, sometimes a week, a month, sometimes six months, or longer. On those days that you just have to watch the world go by, it gives the depression time to swallow you up in it's dark thoughts. This can be overwhelming. To the point where you just want to end it all.
When I found myself lost in the dark of depression from time to time, I found that it helped to remind myself of what I had to live for. I was a tough thing to do because the depression took away my energy to think of positive things so to help you out, here is a long list of things that could help you to keep going for another day, and hopefully longer:
Your family, the summer days, getting into a warm bed when it's been raining all day, that new book that is coming out soon, the next series of your favourite tv programme, your dog/cat/any other pets, seeing your best friend, making plans with your best friend, if you work - pay day, going shopping and spending your money (wisely), reading the last few pages of that book that you wanted to save (you can always read it all again), chocolate, spending hours on your computer watching funny videos, doing your hair in a new hairstyle, doing your make up differently, getting new stationery, writing with a new pen that you brought, making things from fun diy videos, redecorating your room, being able to teach somebody something that you enjoy, going to the zoo, watching your favourite film on repeat, listening to your favourite song on repeat, climbing to the top of a hill and taking in your surroundings, rolling back down the hill, taking a long walk and then snuggling up on the sofa and watching tv, going for a run (sensibly), wearing that new outfit that you brought, making dens with friends/family/just by yourself, sleeping under the stars, playing a family favourite board game, telling a funny joke and people cry of laughter, going on holiday somewhere sunny/really cold, making a meal that you've never made before, trying new foods at a takeaway, playing hide and seek and finding a new hiding place (you're never too old), making Christmas decorations, making halloween decorations, making Easter decorations, just making decorations in general, going sightseeing, taking pictures with your friends and making collages, making a scrapbook, buying flowers and making the house smell nice, having a relaxing day at home with only close family or friends.
The list could go on but hopefully it gives you the idea that sometimes we just have to take life by each hour, minute even, and live for the little things in life - for one day we will realise that the little things are the biggest things. It's not growing old and saying that you had a bad life because you struggled with depression or any other mental illness, it's being able to say that you were strong enough despite the difficulties and managed to live with depression, because let me tell you, living with depression or any other mental illness is exhausting and to live through a single day takes sheer strength and power. Remember this: so far, you have survived 100% of all of your worst days, the days that you struggled, the days you thought that you could no longer go on, you kept on going and if that doesn't define strength then I don't know what does.
I'm proud of you.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.
Reasons to hold on